Die Hand Die Verletzt ("the hand that wounds")
by Chibi Acky
Summary: I killed him! *sobs* The saddest thing I've written to date... Please R&R!!!


Die Hand Die Verletzt  
"the hand that wounds"  
  
By: Chibi Acky  
Disclaimer: No own, no money, no sue?  
__________________  
  
"New futures will always continue to be created. And there, light and darkness, war and hope, life and death, joy and pain, will all exist again. Everything. That is this universe."   
  
-Tsukino Usagi, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon.  
  
__________________  
  
  
  
Everywhere I went, destruction was always behind me. I couldn't escape from it, because I didn't have a reason to. I guess...  
  
No, I don't guess, I can't guess. I'm the perfect soldier, there is no room for mistakes, there is no room for death, and there is no room for love. Maybe that's why I ran away.  
  
No, I didn't run away.  
  
I seem to just contradict myself these days... Duo tells me it's because I'm confused about my feelings. He's right... for once, my overly-obnoxious friend has managed to convince me of something:  
  
I just can't seem to escape this girl or my feelings for her.  
  
The reason I disappeared was because I didn't have a purpose anymore. I was a soldier and I had been for most of my life. It's hard for someone like me to live during such a peaceful time like this; I don't have a reason for living.  
  
I just had her.  
  
Her, the world, my friends, and my destructive past. I suppose sooner or later, something will come up that will threaten the peace we had fought so hard for. The same peace we had all killed for.   
  
My hands are stained with the blood of hundreds and thousands, and hers are so clean it dazzles me. I don't know how to act around her... I'm so ashamed of everything I've done, all the times I've hurt her and my friends.  
  
No I'm not.  
  
I'm the "Perfect Soldier," I have no remorse.  
  
I don't remember my past to the extent that I would like to. I remember Odin Lowe, and his stories of the glory of the colonies. Glory to the colonies. All of them.  
  
Dr. J had taught me everything about my Gundam after Odin died; I took orders from him and acted on my emotions. Back then, it all made perfect sense to me. I *knew* how to act on my emotions because I *knew* there really wasn't a reason for me to be alive. If my emotions got me killed, that would be the end of that; the world wouldn't loose anything. And at that time, I wouldn't either.  
  
It wasn't always this way... I once thought it must have been different for me... it *must* have! This... this thing I have become; so void of emotions and peace... was it Zero that did this to me? Dr. J? Odin?  
  
No, it was me.  
  
I did it to myself.  
  
  
Something back then must have triggered that pain, that anger that I had built up inside of me. I had thrown myself entirely into this cause, this lost, lost cause. I killed so many, ruined their families, and stolen what I didn't even have to begin with.   
  
I hate myself.  
  
I hate this planet.  
  
And I hated her.  
  
War is like a virus, it spreads itself with ease and destroys lives. It eats hope and steals the souls of those who are innocent. I should know; it demolished both hers and mine. But then again, I never really had a life to begin with, now did I? At that time, my enemies were all around me.  
  
EVERYONE was my enemy.  
I was my enemy.  
  
She was my enemy.  
  
And here I am, the "Perfect Soldier" - the same soldier that's found the weakness in his own heart. To think it had been the same heart that was barren of everything. No, no, no, no, no... it hurt to think. It hurt to cry.  
  
It hurt to be alone.  
  
I never wished this fate on her; but saying that is a lie. There were many times I had threatened to steal her life. But did I? Did I ever have the courage to kill something of such perfection?  
  
No.  
  
I'm so weak.  
  
She made me weak.  
  
I'm crying now, and I don't even understand why. Why is it that people are forced to walk this planet, suffering quietly? I don't understand. I just want to scream, punch a wall... I just want to kill.  
  
I want to kill someone.  
  
I wanted to kill myself.  
  
I didn't want to kill her.  
  
Everything my hands touch breaks beneath my grasp. Why is that? There are so many questions that have blurred my mind. I can't think anymore. I've blinded myself with emotions I'd never felt before I met her. I'm so ashamed of my past, what I've done with beyond reconciliation.  
  
It's out of my control. Everything. Everyone. Everywhere.   
  
They're all gone now.  
  
My mind is gone.  
  
It might be hard for some people to believe, but I never considered suicide. Life never got to the point where I just couldn't bare to carry it out and serve my term. My life was cheap and my goals were nothing more than my missions. Dr. J had given me everything I needed; my missions. It's so hard... so *CRUEL* to have to force a man into a life like mine. I wasn't forced, and that is what made all the difference.  
  
When I had had my missions, I had a reason to live. I could always carry out my missions and then rest. Then I could finally sleep, resting my head and knowing that the next day would already be planned out for me. I could walk mindless from one place to another, living only for the mission.  
  
Living only for her.  
  
When Dr. J had finally discharged me, I had been like the orphan all over again. I searched for jobs that kept me away from her. After all, my hands would only break her fragile, pure, soul, wouldn't they? The opposite happened, and suddenly I found myself alone again. This time, my hands hadn't killed her, but my absence.  
  
I was such a fool.  
  
Thinking I could end any conflict by escaping it or diving in headfirst. The reason I had stayed away, instead of protecting her from others around her was to save her from having to live the life I had. Amazing. I found myself protecting her from myself. I had been unconsciously trying to shield her from the ruin that came to everyone that saw me. She was so angelic, healing everyone with her touch...  
  
Everyone hates me; I know they blame me. Her brother remarked her death was of a broken heart. No, no, no, no, NO! It couldn't be happening, my mind had screamed... Maybe at the time my mind had been so lame that I thought she'd come up from hiding under Lady Une's desk when she had told me. Lady Une is a very courageous lady, even Duo didn't want to face me when I heard the news.   
  
This couldn't be happening. To me and to her.  
  
Everything we went through, only to be punished. Life was unyielding.  
  
She was supposed to live a happy life, the one she had yearned for.  
  
It was written with the blood of an angel.  
  
What had I done? Instead of protecting her, I find myself disgraced with her blood on my hands.  
  
I am invisible.  
  
I have no more secrets.  
  
I am... alone... again...  
  
  
I approach her grave slowly, up on top of the hill overlooking the kingdom that had loved her so. Under the tree where she had told him of her hopes and dreams for the future. I have only two things; one in each hand.  
  
The crimson rose was laid down, and in doing so, I was pledging my life to her yet again.   
  
"How could you?" I'm screaming in my mind now, like some crazed homeless man, deprived of a soul. "I told you... you deserved better... I HATE YOU! Look what you've gone and done!"   
  
I'm sobbing again, too furious with the dead girl to wipe the tears away.  
  
"The world is dying without you! It's finished... I'm finished..."  
  
I never thought a man could possess such angst at the grave of a beloved.  
  
"You gave up on life, you fool! LOOK! LOOK AT YOUR KINGDOM! They're lost! I'm so lost... I'm so sorry..." Why am I still crying? Has this intangible emotion turned me into something so minute and insubstantial?  
  
I just want it to stop.  
  
I just want to rest.  
  
So as I take the gun, putting it to my aching heart, I find myself floating in the mist of a legend. The tragedy of Juliet and her Romeo.  
  
There was one shot. One shot that rang through my ears, and I finally congratulated myself for doing something so brave. My glazed-over eyes stared up at my last glimpse of the stars I had fought for so many times.  
  
Above me, she's there... her perfect face and golden tresses... Her small dainty hand reaches out towards mine.  
  
"Don't be afraid Heero..."  
  
Her words were all the consent I needed and I managed to gather my strength, stretching my hand out to meet hers. She smiles.  
  
I smile back and my eyes close.   
  
Finally.  
  
I am not alone.  
  
**********  
  
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I killed him. *sobs hysterically* I was in a bad mood, can you tell? I'm doing a little experiment with this... Anyone reconise the title? All X-files fans should... ^.-  
  
luvs and hugs  
Chibi Acky  
  
http://kiss.to/gyousei  
  
  
  



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